i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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