the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
