We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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