Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
