I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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