I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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