Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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