So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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