I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
