i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
