I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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