So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
me + whiskey = a bad person
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
