just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
