I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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