I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
