just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
