I wish I could teleport
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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