hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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