3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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