is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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