I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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