I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize