The maid of honor just puked.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
