Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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