i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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