gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
