Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
All the doctor said was why
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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