last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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