Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just gargled with NyQuil
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
