I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
