before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
