Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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