so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
