She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
