Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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