omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
