just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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