That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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