i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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