My balls are so social today.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
