The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
