Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Acid is not a monday night drug
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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