i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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