That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
