sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I have tasted many bathrooms
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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