The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
