like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
