just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize