Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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