my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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