Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
