Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
