Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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