You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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