also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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