You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
