how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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