nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
