Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
